Ruby vs The Pelicans
by Prestige Productions
Summary: On a trip out to Vale for french bread, our lovable heroine runs afoul of the evil bird known as a Pelican.


_**The following is inspired by a segment of the Wrestling Soup Podcast wherein host Joey Numbahs described his hatred for Pelicans**_

 _ **Disclaimer: RWBY belongs to Rooster Teeth, I own nothing.**_

Ruby Rose would be busy walking along Vale's ports, the ocean breeze blowing gently through her crimsonette-colored hair as she hummed a quiet little tune and cradled a loaf of freshly baked French bread. "Okay, I've got Weiss her fancy bread and now off to Cookie World!" She would pump her fist in anticipation of getting another bag full of delicious treats, as she continued to daydream of the endless possibilities of what awaited her she would be interrupted by a loud squawking noise. "Huh?" The hooded reaper would look down to see a very ornery looking pelican blocking her way, she didn't really think much of it as most birds she knew were pretty friendly. "Hello little birdie, nice day today isn't it?" Ruby would step aside from the bird and proceed on her way, blissfully unaware of just what kind of trouble she had just now stepped into. "I don't see why we need such fancy bread for a Team meal, we have these every week and we've never really had to get any special ingredients before." The red hooded reaper would prepare to round the corner leading to Cookie World when she felt something tugging aggressively on her hood, and if there was one thing you never did to Ruby Rose it was mess with her precious hood in any way. "Huh?" The crimsonette-haired Huntress would look back to see the pelican from earlier, now tugging on her hood and trying to pull her back. "Birdie no!" She would pull her hood back toward her and check for any sort of damage to the fabric and breathing a sigh of relief when none was found. "Geez you guys are rude!" Ruby would frown and look down at the bread she was currently in possession of and contemplating upon whether or not to sacrifice some of it, her hand would be hovering toward the still fairly warm French bread only to get the image of a less than pleased Weiss in her head.

 _"What are you doing you cookie addled dolt, this is high quality bread cooked only ONCE a day! Don't feed it to these flying scavengers!"_ The silver-eyed Huntress would sigh, she knew that the imaginary heiress in her mind was right despite her complete lack of existence. "I'm sorry little bird, I wanna give you some bread but Weiss would never let me hear the end of it." She would frown quizzically as the pelican would just squawk aggressively in reply, flying up off the ground to try and steal the bread from her unguarded hand.

"Wait no!" The crimsonette would cry out as the pesky pelican scooped up the loaf of bread and retreated to higher ground just as three more birds made there way to join the winged thief. "Dammit! That bread was expensive too." She would set down the empty bag and check her wallet to see if she could afford another loaf and a decided less extravagant run through Cookie World, but upon seeing the few lien waiting for her in her ruby red wallet her heart would sink. "Aww man, that's barely enough just to cover the bread!" Ruby would look up to see the rooftop getting more crowded with hungry avians, they clearly had enjoyed the freshly baked bread and were hungry for more as they looked down at the silver-eyed young woman. "This is like a scene out of some twisted horror movie, only I'm not scared blonde bimbo about to trip over her heels because she's dumb enough to look back while the Boogeyman is chasing her." The red-hooded Huntress would continue to mutter and fume as she made her way back to the bread shop, the beady eyes of the pelicans watching her every step until she finally stepped inside the shop.

"Hm? We're closed- Oh, it's you again. I see you couldn't wait to try the bread I see."

Ruby would open her mouth in preparation to verbally rip apart the kindly old baker, but upon seeing his warm smile she would reconsider this approach and instead present her own charming smile. "Heheh yeah I did, but it was supposed to be for a banquet my friends and I are having tonight and I can seriously use another loaf." The crimsonette would then flash her best pair of puppy eyes, they had won her many a free snack from Weiss who was a constant sucker for her giant silver orbs of cuteness.

"Well my dear; I'd love to help you with that but I'm afraid I sold my last loaf of French bread to you, perhaps I could interest you in some pretzel bread instead and it would certainly be a lot cheaper then the other loaf you bought earlier." The old man would gesture to the twisty yet golden-brown pretzel bread in front of her, on the one hand she had spent a fair amount of time at the bakery just waiting out the long line for the bread and was expected back at the dorm before nightfall. On the other hand she would be coming home with a different kind of bread then what Weiss had asked for, and she doubted that the heiress would give her a pass on the faux pas by pointing out the fact that she had been mobbed on the way back by a bunch of angry birds.

 _"Pretzel bread? You leave the dorm for half the day while the rest of us work tirelessly to prepare this glorious meal, and you come back with this inferior bread that I could buy by the dozen at any old convenience store?"_ Suppressing the shudder she was currently feeling upon being chastised by an imaginary Weiss that resided in her head, the reaper glumly removed the lien she needed from her wallet and presented it to the elderly baker who slipped her a second loaf into her bag for good measure. "Have a good banquet miss." Ruby would nod and give a cheery goodbye to the old man as she walked out of the bakery and into the oncoming squawks of a line of pelicans who would look towards the young Huntress, sensing the bread she now carried in her new bag as she contemplated the quickest possible route back to Beacon and the safety of her dorm and teammates. "Man I really wish you guys were just Nevermores, at least then I wouldn't have a problem whipping out Crescent Rose and wiping the floor with your feathery behinds." The pelicans would squawk in anticipation as the red-hooded girl took a step forward, her silver eyes scanning every building and foothold as she readied herself for what would be (at the very least) an annoying trek out of the pier.

"Alright, I guess I'll just have to put my best foot forward!" Ruby would give a triumphant war cry as she dashed forward as her feathered antagonists dive-bombed for the pretzel bed she had clenched in her bag, only for the crimsonette-haired Huntress to disappear quickly in a flurry of roses as she decided to use her Semblance and break through the first wave. "I really don't have time to play around with you bird brains, Weiss is expecting me to get back in time for dinner!" She would deliver a wicked backhand to a pelican that dared to make a grab for the pretzel bread while jumping over another pair of hungry predators, making another mad dash with her Semblance would leave the rest in a state of confusion before deciding to gobble up the leftover rose petals instead. Everything seemed to be clear sailing for the red hooded Huntress as she began to pick up the pace and make one final sprint for freedom, her feet were killing her, the squawking was grinding down her last nerve and the imaginary Weiss was still giving her endless grief over having to serve pretzel bread instead of a fancy baguette. "Just a few more feet, just a few more feet and I'm home free!"

In her adulation the hooded Huntress would be caught unaware as a pelican swooped down and started nipping at her hair angrily, the agony of hair being yanked out would nearly cause her to stumble forward to the ground and lose the bread she had spent the last of her lien to pay for. "Get. Off. Of. ME!" She would beat on the pelican with every word, even yanking at the creature's body and pulling away a few feathers as it finally backed off of the furious rose before watching as she disappeared into the streets of Vale.

By the time she would catch the first available shuttle back to Beacon, her feet were throbbing in pain, her hair was sticking up in certain places and matted with sweat, and the worst part of all was that one of the bastards had gotten away with a piece of her hood.

 _"Can't believe I actually had to endure hell over a couple loaves of bread, this dinner had better be the most glorious thing I've ever eaten or so help me Dust."_

Ruby would look up at the setting sun and fight back the urge to cry tears of relief as the shuttle touched down at the landing pad, disembarking in a flurry of roses as a way to avoid being seen by anyone who knew her as she made a beeline for the RWBY dorm. "I may be a beaten, exhausted mess but I'll at least be responsible for bringing home the bread!" The crimsonette-haired girl would calmly open the door to her dorm with a tired smile, she believed she would be the hero as she had completed the task her partner has given her. And like any good hero she would bear witness to, and partake of a glorious feast that her friends had lovingly prepared throughout the day.

However as the pattern of the day had already established, she would be met with a vision of disappointment as her friends would be sitting around the dorm with a stack of pizza boxes nearby and laughing at some random rom-com on their television screen.

"Oh hey sis, welcome home." Yang would happily wave to her younger sibling without looking away from the screen, and it was a fortunate choice to do so as the crimsonette looked about in shock at the unused and pristine kitchen as she recounted the horrors of the day. "Huh..wha-what happened to the team dinner we had planned?"

Blake would smile as the goof of a main character made a terrible but somehow funny joke at the expense of his romantic rival, when the cat Faunus finally decided to turn her head slightly to address her team leader her jaw would droop in shock. "Holy Christ, Ruby what happened?!" She would leap off the couch and run to the silent reaper's side just to inspect the younger girl's injuries, leaving the other two to look upon her worriedly.

"Pelicans..just angry pelicans, nipping and tearing at me over the bread. They tore at my cloak, my hair, but…but at least I saved the bread!" Ruby would let out a strangled giggle as Blake carefully freed the bag and now semi-crushed pretzel bread from the reaper's iron grip, frowning in concern as she set it down on the counter. "Now we can finally have the team dinner we talked about…right?" The other three members would exchange troubled glance, as if they were wondering just how to break troubling news to the young Huntress. Eventually, it would be Yang who would step forward and wrap her sister in a tight embrace as the red hooded girl began to sob quietly.

"Umm Ruby, we actually decided to scrap the big dinner idea in favor of a bad movie and pizza day. We..we texted you as soon as we settled on it, check your scroll." The blonde brawler would smile sympathetically as she watched her sister dig around in her pocket and pulled out her scroll, her smile diminishing as Ruby was no doubt reading the hastily written cancellation message that had been written hours ago. "I-I figured it would be easier just to text you before you made it back to Vale." Yang would eventually go silent as the hooded girl gently shoved herself free of the older woman's loving embrace, leaving her teammates to watch as she picked up a box of pizza and carried it to their bathroom in stunned silence.

"Wow..I didn't think pelicans were that much of a menace, then again she probably wouldn't have had to deal with it if SOMEBODY hadn't insisted upon having a fancy baguette." Blake would scowl at the pale-haired heiress in question, who seemed offended that the damage her partner had endured could be laid at her doorstep.

"Look at it this way, when the time comes and we finally do settle down for a team dinner at least we'll have-" The pampered woman's voice would trail off as she removed and inspected the damaged loaves of pretzel bread with a scowl. "Pretzel bread? You were gone half a day for PRETZEL BREAD!?" Her outburst would be met with a louder whimper coming from inside the bathroom followed by a loud thud, no doubt that was the pizza being flung at the door.

After that day two rules would forever go into effect when it came to the members of Team RWBY.

The first was that any change in plans had to be carried out via phone call, messages would not be tolerated and punished by atomic noogie (administered by Yang for maximum effect, and if Yang was the rule-breaker in question then she would be punished with a loss of a lock of hair.).

The second, and perhaps most important of the pair was that no one was to refer to the incident in question (lovingly referred to be Yang as the "Pelican Brief".) and that nothing resembling said bird would be allowed within the walls of the dorm for as long as Ruby Rose was a resident.

 _ **Right so, a bit of context with this. I got the idea for this fic while listening to an episode of a Podcast named Wrestling Soup titled "Bill Ching or The Pelicans...The Pelicans" and 35 minutes in, host Joey Numbahs goes off on Pelicans and pet birds in general. After a few chuckles I thought to myself: How would a RWBY character deal with that? And..yeah, now this exists.**_


End file.
